Xanax Abuse

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In late 2005 I started my addiction to Xanax, it resulted me to become very mentally unwell & extremely suicidal. I used to mix it with alcohol and as a result I couldn’t feel any pain because I was completely off my face that I started self harming, I did it because I felt emotional pain but no actual physical pain while on more than the recommended dose. My friends or family never knew about my addiction until the day I was found hanging in my apartment after a MASSIVE overdose. The paramedics spent 40 minutes on me and were about to pronounce me DOA. I was in a coma for 3 days, then spent another 5 days in a public psych ward where I got no help and was discharged with a bottle of Xanax.. Yeah I know it was fucked and as if the treating team was saying to me “try harder”. What started my Xanax addiction in the first place was not my fault at all. I was suffering from PTSD after having an awful time living in state care, and was seeking help from a GP who wrongly prescribed me Xanax in the first place. I ended up doctor shopping so I would have a stash and not have to worry about it. It was so easy to get, I just covered up my arms and said I suffered from PTSD and needed something to stop me from having regular panic attacks, without fail I would receive a script for Xanax. It scares me how easy it still is to get. 

Hospital

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In early March of this year I had a breakdown which resulted me to being admitted to a private psych ward. My Ritalin dose was increased and I was there for just over two weeks. Even though I went in as a voluntary patient I felt as if I was being pushed and had no other choice due to conflict within my life. The police and CAT (crisis assessment team) didn’t stop harassing me to the point where I was woken up by them every day because “they were concerned for my welfare” it got to the point where I said fuck it, I’m not going into public care and since I do have private health cover I will going into private care so I stop getting harassed by these people. Every single day I was in there I wanted to kill myself, although none of the nurses or my doctor knew about this because I’m good at “putting on a happy face” I did a drawing of myself in art therapy of myself in the after math after getting hit by a train.. But none of this concerned anyone. I managed to sneak in Valium (a whole box!) without getting caught and also razor blades which I only used for shaving my legs but still it was ridiculous. The doctors or nurses didn’t notice once that most of the time I spent in there I was off my face on Valium, all because they didn’t check my bags and plus, I hid it in my underwear. 

Anyway I’m now out of there and no longer suicidal.. I moved and starting over.. Hopefully things will be better for me in the long run. 

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Sydney, Christmas & Update..

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I went to Sydney recently for the Create Foundation NYAC Summit where I was representing my state Victoria as a Youth Delegate. It went well, lots of important people like Ministers, reporters, Department workers & Child Safety Commissioners were there.

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(I’m on the left of this photo from the Create foundation NYAC Summit 2012)

It was nice to get away from Melbourne for a bit.. even though it was for a “voluntary working holiday”. Anyway the main thing is that it went well :) Christmas this year almost turned into a major disaster as my paternal grandmother decided to change her mind at the last minute… I spent Christmas Eve with my mother and stepfather.. it was alright I guess although my mother was in a crappy mood and decided to snap at me which resulted me stressing out and having the urge to leave.. 

Thank god for PRN Valium! 

(PRN: latin term, pro re nata
which means
that you take the medication
as needed
not that you can take as many as you want
you can take the regular dosage
whenever you need to)

 

Christmas day I spent with my paternal great Uncles, Aunts & Cousins.. which went well & and I had a lovely time.

About the “fight” I had with my paternal grandmother just days before Christmas..
Basically I told her months beforehand that I can’t face a certain family member (on my paternal side) for a strong reason which I won’t get into.. My grandmother said that she would support me and urged me to go to this “family christmas” So after a few months of debating and figuring out how I could avoid conflict, I made up my mind and decided I would go and not let this ruin my day. So I was excited and spent the next day out Christmas shopping.. 

Then a few days before Christmas my paternal grandmother emailed me and told me she “might not go” because “she can’t deal with it” … WTF?!!!!

This is her email…

“Dear Soyla 
I may not even be able to go to C and T’s on Christmas Day myself. 
I think it is better for you to go to T’s place – you would have a much better time. You could contact J about this and go with them.”

I sent her an email back letting her know that as an Aspie I cannot deal with change well at all.. and basically she’s ruined Christmas.. 

I ended the email with this.. I was angry! So it’s pretty nasty;

“No wonder why no one invites you to anything, you’re a selfish C**T of a woman, you’re not even a woman you’re a THING.. GET F**K*D YOU OLD BAG.”

Do I feel bad about this? No, honestly if you knew her personally you would understand the frustration this “woman” has put my family through.. UGH.. 

So I ended up spending Christmas with her brothers and sisters..

As a general Update things have been okay.. 
My Narcolepsy has been playing up, but that’s usual and I’m used to it..
Just the usual really, back to square one.. I’m well otherwise :)

25th Birthday & Update

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On the 14th of September I turned 25!

I spent the day getting drunk in my hotel room(Grand Hyatt, Melbourne)  on a free expensive bottle of wine, then stuffing my face at a Japanese restaurant in Chinatown. At 7:30pm that night I had my official birthday party at the hotel bar located near the lobby of the hotel. A few friends turned up, some family members. After a few hours celebrating with my friends and family I met up with my other friends and we went out partying to this place called The Pony bar (located in Melbourne) , I drank more and had at least 3 shots of tequila.. I was really wasted and was letting everyone know it was my birthday! But hey at least I’m a friendly drunk :)

The next day I woke up in my hotel room with no hangover, success!

My birthday was great, had a lovely time.. seriously couldn’t have gone better than it did :)

Here are some photos from my birthday..

(left to right) Myself, Pip & Rebecca

Other than my Birthday I’ve been okay..  My Narcolepsy has failed on me a few times, but it’s been so so which is good.

I’m going to be in Sydney soon for the CREATE foundation Summit because I’ve been chosen to be one of their 3 Victorian delegates.. which is so awesome!

I’ll be updating this blog again once I return from the Summit in a few weeks..

:)

Cairns/Father’s Day 2012

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On the 1st of September I went up to Cairns for a mini holiday to see my Dad, Stepmother, Aunt and Cousin for four days. My Dad and Stepmother have a Ukulele duo and performed for the last day of the Cairns Festival (On Collins) at the Botanical Gardens on Father’s Day. I got to spend all afternoon with dad (and my stepmother) on Father’s dad which was a real treat and I had a lot of fun.. plus the weather was perfect! It cheered me up a lot after the number of crappy weeks I’ve had recently. I was sad to leave and wanted to stay but I am happy that I did get a chance to spend time with family who accepts me for who I am. I’ve been good with my medication and have been feeling okay.

My Narcolepsy has been so so, it has failed on me.. but it has been a lot better than usual.

My 25th Birthday is on Friday and I’ll be spending it with friends and family.. (spoiling myself of course). Things have improved since my last post in August which is great but I do feel down at times, but not all the time. The police have been leaving me alone which is great and I haven’t had a welfare check in ages which is good (I’m safe and will be for a very long time). I hope everyone is well and I’ll be posting more soon.

Learnt My Lesson Well..

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It’s been a while since I’ve written something on here.. mostly because I’ve been through a lot and had a few crappy things happen to me in the past month or so.

My Narcolepsy has been ruining my life for the past couple of months, my sleeping pattern is out of whack and I haven’t properly left my apartment for more than 15 minutes in the past 2 weeks.. I want it to change and get back to normal really quick, but it’s not happening and it’s really frustrating.. ugh..

The local police department have been following my online use, honestly I couldn’t care less – but seriously visiting me on a Saturday night to ask me about my Tumblr use is just odd.

I’m alright otherwise.. getting there slowly I guess..

Weekend

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So today started off pretty crappy.. But it turned out okay in the end. Fights with family always suck.. Anyway it’s all over and im okay so that’s the main thing. I haven’t felt well lately which is unfortunate because I’m over feeling sick. Thankfully the ritalin that im on stopped me from relapsing into self ham because I’ve been really good.. In October I’ll  be five years clean from benzo abuse and self harm. Other than that it’s been a pretty lazy weekend at my maternal grandparents.

Sick

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So tonight I’m not feeling so great, I’ve got bad chest pain and nausea yet again.. I’ll call an ambulance if it gets any worse.. I’m over feeling sick.. I just wish things were back to normal.. What ever that is? So much for a relaxing Saturday night.. I hope everyone is feeling better that I am right now. I will keep you updated.. Feel free to tweet me here: @miss_soylatte

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