Hospital Admission & other things..

I had another private psych hospital admission.. But this time it lasted for a month. I was having troubles with dealing with the fact that my father refused to see or hasn’t contacted me in a year and I didn’t want to be “alone” because I wasn’t feeling safe. It was a voluntary admission that lasted longer than expected but I’m okay now, on new medication and getting there slowly. I made new friends and got fucked over by my psych so I have to find yet another one.. Frustrating! (I think I may have it sorted though).

As for my father, Yes some of the reasons of why he doesn’t want any contact is my fault but I thought maybe that would have changed by now…

I still agree with my last post..where I told you all he has bipolar disorder and doesn’t seek help (that I know of anyway) & believes that I’m the only one in the family with Mental Health issues…SIGH.

ANYWAY…

I have given up on trying to make any contact with him because it’s useless because he never responds and he still treats me as if I’m 16.. not 26. Everything has to go his way or else world war three will take place, in his mind anyway.. He says that he doesn’t blame me or anyone else but towards the end the blame is always directed towards me..

If he decides to call me sometime asking for forgiveness or whatever, he’s lost his chance because I don’t give second chances. This doesn’t indicate that I’m suicidal or anything..I’m not, I’m just over my father for good.

He had his chance and lost it a year ago.

I know he loves me, but he doesn’t like me for who I am and that’s hurtful more than anything.

Stay tuned for more posts, I’m sure they’ll be happier in the near future.

Rant…

Well it’s been over a year since the shit hit the fan… What’s new? Many things.. Good & bad..

My social worker died from a heart attack in June.. I was devastated and still am.
One of my close friends committed suicide in August which totally tore me apart.
I turned 26 in September.
A certain musician who fucked me over eventually had karma turn on him..
F&J were born.

My dad is officially a wanker..
When we had an argument back in March he said that he was “anti social media” And would never own a smart phone etc.. Well guess what he posted a fucking picture of his house on a PUBLIC Facebook site and bought a smartphone. Yes I admit I use foursquare but I never use the actual location of my house…because it’s plain stupid.
He also accused me of not handling alcohol well… Ugh excuse me but I’ve NEVER had a hangover in my life and you had a flask of whiskey and were drinking 30+ beers that night so get fucked. I only had three glasses of Tia Maria and I admit I was a bit tipsy but I wasn’t drunk and I remember that night like it was yesterday.
According to my father I’m the only one in the family who has a mental illness.. SIGH
My father has bipolar disorder but doesn’t admit it and doesn’t get help.. He just hides behind the ukulele and pretends that everything is okay when obviously it isn’t.
This is the reason why he throws tanties when things don’t go his way. He needs help. End of rant.

26th Birthday/Update

On the 14th of September I celebrated my 26th birthday! I booked a room at the Hyatt, a suite this time, it was massive!
Spent most of the day relaxing in the suite and taking to friends via Skype and telephone. At around 6pm my friends started to arrive, so I got ready to go out for a night of fun :)
We went bar hopping where I mainly drank mock tails.. and had the most beautiful cheese platter!
It was a fun night, I had a good time and so did my friends!

My narcolepsy has been surprisingly okay.. Mind you I still fall over on a daily basis… Oh well.

I finally have the freedom to do what I want without getting told off.. It’s such a relief and I hope it stays this way forever!

That’s about it.. I’ll post photos from my birthday as soon as I get them on my iPad..

:)

Loss, regret & trauma

On the 23rd of June I lost a friend, a father figure and most of all my social worker Henri Ser. He died from a heart attack and I’ve spend the past few months crying :(

I didn’t get that last goodbye, I didn’t get that last hug.. All what I got was a short and last Facebook message to say goodbye. I am heartbroken I felt as if I lost a soul mate.

I’ve been in hospital so may times because my blood pressure has been out of control, due to my narcolepsy and honestly I’d rather be dead than live with this condition. My mental Heath hasn’t been great either thanks to some fuckwits making my life a living hell. I feel like moving and never coming back but I know that’s not going to happen. Maybe I should just holiday but then again why should I bother because I always come back home to the same out shit every single time. Only if I had the guts to jump off The Gap.. I’m just so over everything.

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Xanax Abuse

In late 2005 I started my addiction to Xanax, it resulted me to become very mentally unwell & extremely suicidal. I used to mix it with alcohol and as a result I couldn’t feel any pain because I was completely off my face that I started self harming, I did it because I felt emotional pain but no actual physical pain while on more than the recommended dose. My friends or family never knew about my addiction until the day I was found hanging in my apartment after a MASSIVE overdose. The paramedics spent 40 minutes on me and were about to pronounce me DOA. I was in a coma for 3 days, then spent another 5 days in a public psych ward where I got no help and was discharged with a bottle of Xanax.. Yeah I know it was fucked and as if the treating team was saying to me “try harder”. What started my Xanax addiction in the first place was not my fault at all. I was suffering from PTSD after having an awful time living in state care, and was seeking help from a GP who wrongly prescribed me Xanax in the first place. I ended up doctor shopping so I would have a stash and not have to worry about it. It was so easy to get, I just covered up my arms and said I suffered from PTSD and needed something to stop me from having regular panic attacks, without fail I would receive a script for Xanax. It scares me how easy it still is to get. 

Hospital

In early March of this year I had a breakdown which resulted me to being admitted to a private psych ward. My Ritalin dose was increased and I was there for just over two weeks. Even though I went in as a voluntary patient I felt as if I was being pushed and had no other choice due to conflict within my life. The police and CAT (crisis assessment team) didn’t stop harassing me to the point where I was woken up by them every day because “they were concerned for my welfare” it got to the point where I said fuck it, I’m not going into public care and since I do have private health cover I will going into private care so I stop getting harassed by these people. Every single day I was in there I wanted to kill myself, although none of the nurses or my doctor knew about this because I’m good at “putting on a happy face” I did a drawing of myself in art therapy of myself in the after math after getting hit by a train.. But none of this concerned anyone. I managed to sneak in Valium (a whole box!) without getting caught and also razor blades which I only used for shaving my legs but still it was ridiculous. The doctors or nurses didn’t notice once that most of the time I spent in there I was off my face on Valium, all because they didn’t check my bags and plus, I hid it in my underwear. 

Anyway I’m now out of there and no longer suicidal.. I moved and starting over.. Hopefully things will be better for me in the long run. 

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Sydney, Christmas & Update..

I went to Sydney recently for the Create Foundation NYAC Summit where I was representing my state Victoria as a Youth Delegate. It went well, lots of important people like Ministers, reporters, Department workers & Child Safety Commissioners were there.

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(I’m on the left of this photo from the Create foundation NYAC Summit 2012)

It was nice to get away from Melbourne for a bit.. even though it was for a “voluntary working holiday”. Anyway the main thing is that it went well :)Christmas this year almost turned into a major disaster as my paternal grandmother decided to change her mind at the last minute… I spent Christmas Eve with my mother and stepfather.. it was alright I guess although my mother was in a crappy mood and decided to snap at me which resulted me stressing out and having the urge to leave.. 

Thank god for PRN Valium! 

(PRN: latin term, pro re nata
which means
that you take the medication
as needed
not that you can take as many as you want
you can take the regular dosage
whenever you need to)

 

Christmas day I spent with my paternal great Uncles, Aunts & Cousins.. which went well & and I had a lovely time.

About the “fight” I had with my paternal grandmother just days before Christmas..
Basically I told her months beforehand that I can’t face a certain family member (on my paternal side) for a strong reason which I won’t get into.. My grandmother said that she would support me and urged me to go to this “family christmas” So after a few months of debating and figuring out how I could avoid conflict, I made up my mind and decided I would go and not let this ruin my day. So I was excited and spent the next day out Christmas shopping.. 

Then a few days before Christmas my paternal grandmother emailed me and told me she “might not go” because “she can’t deal with it” … WTF?!!!!

This is her email…

“Dear Soyla 
I may not even be able to go to C and T’s on Christmas Day myself. 
I think it is better for you to go to T’s place – you would have a much better time. You could contact J about this and go with them.”

I sent her an email back letting her know that as an Aspie I cannot deal with change well at all.. and basically she’s ruined Christmas.. 

I ended the email with this.. I was angry! So it’s pretty nasty;

“No wonder why no one invites you to anything, you’re a selfish C**T of a woman, you’re not even a woman you’re a THING.. GET F**K*D YOU OLD BAG.”

Do I feel bad about this? No, honestly if you knew her personally you would understand the frustration this “woman” has put my family through.. UGH.. 

So I ended up spending Christmas with her brothers and sisters..

As a general Update things have been okay.. 
My Narcolepsy has been playing up, but that’s usual and I’m used to it..
Just the usual really, back to square one.. I’m well otherwise :)

25th Birthday & Update

On the 14th of September I turned 25!

I spent the day getting drunk in my hotel room(Grand Hyatt, Melbourne)  on a free expensive bottle of wine, then stuffing my face at a Japanese restaurant in Chinatown. At 7:30pm that night I had my official birthday party at the hotel bar located near the lobby of the hotel. A few friends turned up, some family members. After a few hours celebrating with my friends and family I met up with my other friends and we went out partying to this place called The Pony bar (located in Melbourne) , I drank more and had at least 3 shots of tequila.. I was really wasted and was letting everyone know it was my birthday! But hey at least I’m a friendly drunk :)

The next day I woke up in my hotel room with no hangover, success!

My birthday was great, had a lovely time.. seriously couldn’t have gone better than it did :)

Here are some photos from my birthday..

(left to right) Myself, Pip & Rebecca

Other than my Birthday I’ve been okay..  My Narcolepsy has failed on me a few times, but it’s been so so which is good.

I’m going to be in Sydney soon for the CREATE foundation Summit because I’ve been chosen to be one of their 3 Victorian delegates.. which is so awesome!

I’ll be updating this blog again once I return from the Summit in a few weeks..

:)

Cairns/Father’s Day 2012

On the 1st of September I went up to Cairns for a mini holiday to see my Dad, Stepmother, Aunt and Cousin for four days. My Dad and Stepmother have a Ukulele duo and performed for the last day of the Cairns Festival (On Collins) at the Botanical Gardens on Father’s Day. I got to spend all afternoon with dad (and my stepmother) on Father’s dad which was a real treat and I had a lot of fun.. plus the weather was perfect! It cheered me up a lot after the number of crappy weeks I’ve had recently. I was sad to leave and wanted to stay but I am happy that I did get a chance to spend time with family who accepts me for who I am. I’ve been good with my medication and have been feeling okay.

My Narcolepsy has been so so, it has failed on me.. but it has been a lot better than usual.

My 25th Birthday is on Friday and I’ll be spending it with friends and family.. (spoiling myself of course). Things have improved since my last post in August which is great but I do feel down at times, but not all the time. The police have been leaving me alone which is great and I haven’t had a welfare check in ages which is good (I’m safe and will be for a very long time). I hope everyone is well and I’ll be posting more soon.